In my blog posts I have been critical of the role of Army and intelligence agencies. This has been intentional and for some valid reasons. All my stories of being bad or loose character originated from Army and widely circulated by intelligence agencies. You would hardly find anyone in my city who would raise a finger on my character. But in Army there are plenty of them. Yet these stories played a crucial part in my unusual personal episode. They were responsible for an unfortunate arrangement of her marriage for one girl. They were also partially responsible for breakage of my commitment to the other girl. They were even used as one point in my ‘redress of grievances’.

 The uniformed psychiatrists also felt the need to play their part. They recorded that I had a history of cannabis abuse. I have never smoked a cigarette even. They also recorded that I had an ‘unshakable belief’ of considering myself to be Imam Mahdi. I never had such belief. These were two plain but deliberate lies by the psychiatrists. The stories did not stop after my ouster from Pakistan Army. It was portrayed as planned or drama. I have tried to refute this impression in this post. Despite this, I think that I had the correct diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia.

 This disease has transformed my life in unimaginable ways. I have spent three years from 2005 to 2008 in quite miserable condition. However things have considerably improved over time. I have been invalidated out of service because of the disease. But there are some positive aspects also. Firstly I had great reluctance to drive a vehicle as discussed. Without learning to drive, I was doomed in Army. This also shows that I have a bit ‘different’ brain. Secondly I was having a rough patch at professional level. I did fairly well in my BE Avionics. But I performed poorly in my two basic courses. For the first course the main causes were my aptitude, occupation with Linux OS and much more occupation with my first love. I was more apt with learning few basic and unified engineering principles than memorizing too many things and details. The gears, shafts and rotors never interested me. For the second course I have a bit different story to tell. I performed very well in subsequent two courses. But they were of minor nature. Lately, in 2005, I was even struggling with my promotion exams. In a nutshell I was not very sound professionally. Moreover, for some mysterious reasons, people were even more concerned and vocal about my competency. I had pretty average service record, thanks to my row with one of my commanding officers. The invalidation out of service has proved to be a blessing in disguise.

 Then there is another thing at personal level. I used to be too dreamy about the future. The disease has pulled me down towards the earth. As a result I am much more realistic and mature. I have paid a heavy price for that. I still have some goals about the future, but they are moderate. No doubt, that I have some limitations because of the disease. The patients with paranoid type of schizophrenia have most chances of recovery. I think I have recovered considerably enough. The future is always full of surprises for me.

Pakistan Army is a good institution, but is certainly not made up of angels. During my brief service, I encountered some very good and talented individuals and some equally bad. I still wonder the motives of people within the Army in spreading rumors about me. It has affected some people and families in very unpleasant way. I think greed and jealousy are great motives. They can drive the people to any extreme. Why was there such venom against me? One plausible answer is the so called PMA incident that I clarified in this post. The recovery of list from the Indian spy was an important incident and it involved me somehow. There might be some another perspective to which I am still unaware of.

 I mentioned the PMA incident in this post. I have rightly mentioned that it was event of my life as most of my delusions revolved around it, specifically the ‘list’ as discussed in these four posts: here, here, here and here. I assumed all along that SM Farman, the Indian spy, became AWOL immediately after my passing out from PMA in 1996. Some of the events in PAF Academy were partially responsible for this belief. Recently I called the course mate who first told me about it to confirm this assumption. He told me that it was not so. SM Farman was there in PMA for passing out of 96th Long Course at least. He went back to his parent unit and retired. However I have a faint memory that someone told me that he became AWOL from PMA. However I was not completely wrong. I clearly remember that he did tell me that he was caught at Pak-India border and a list of officers was recovered from him. It is my opinion that SM Farman went missing i.e. AWOL before 2000, may be from PMA and was later captured at Pak-India border. I will appreciate if anyone clarifies it exactly. I have neither the capacity nor the will to investigate further. It has played its part in my delusional thinking. I had built an empire out of small piece of information. I think it still make sense to call it a PMA incident, though it is a bit misleading. Rather it should have been called an Indian spy incident! Was I wrong in thinking that my name was associated with the incident?

 From the very outset I believed that the list had some sort of grading/opinion in it. It must have identified good and bad officers. He may have some motives behind it. I assumed that a few thousand of officers may have been graded as he served in PMA for many years. I assumed that one of his tactics to grade was by keeping the cadet out of the parade as discussed. The foremost reason for me standing out of the ceremony was the resolve of SM Farman. The secondary cause was my shyness to request the Adjutant. I clearly remember that some other staff members and my course mates requested to SM Farman that I should be given a chance to participate in rehearsals. SM Farman made the point that I would only be allowed if instructed by the Adjutant. I was too shy to request the Adjutant. I had not that bad parading standard. I passed the saluting test in my first attempt. The concerned staff never raised any doubt on my parading standard either. I joined all the passing outs at PAF Academy. It was not mere the parading standard. Any way I stood outside the ceremony. Why SM Farman singled out me remains a mystery to me till this day.

 I had a difficult experience discussing it with my course mates in 2005. I told a few of them about SM Farman and recovery of ‘list’ from him. One of the course mates later asked me whose names appear in the list. I guessed three names among the 11 course mates based on experience in the passing out whom I considered as bad. This shows that there was a feeling, on the part of that course mate at least, that I knew the incident and was aware of the contents of the ‘list’. Same officer later told me that there was a serious grouping with in the Army. He told me that one group was of good officers that advance through the ranks with their hard work and talent and the other of so called bad officers that uses unfair means and links etc. He told me that both group support among themselves. To substantiate his opinion he took a name of a representative officer from each group. Good officer was one who had to submit a ‘redress of grievances” against the grade rendered to him in a course. He was also snubbed like me. I would not identify the bad officer’s name. I was already thinking on same lines and went so much beyond that. I started thinking that this grouping was formed as a result of the ‘list’ recovered from the Indian spy. Later I thought it as efforts of my grandfather. I avoided talking to the course mate who told me about the Indian spy. I started loosing interest in my job and giving more thoughts to my previous events. My unusual personal episode was running in parallel. In later part of my delusional thinking in 2005, I reduced the good officers among my 11 course mates to 3 (including me) and mentioned these names to the one whom I considered good. I had come a long way in this journey of the ‘list’.

 As I mentioned that this incident never arose in my discussion with the psychiatrists. There was no effort on the part of psychiatrists of understanding the psychotic behavior. This was the most prominent cause. When I started this blog I asked another course mate about the incident. He confirmed to me that SM Farman was an Indian spy. I mentioned this incident to two other course mates in 2009-10. They did not show any surprise. Obviously they were aware of it. Was I the only one who was intentionally kept in dark about it till very late? Was there a feeling that I know the contents of the ‘list’ somehow? I only imagined the ’list’!

 Then there might be completely another dimension. A presidential referendum was held in Pakistan in 2002. I voted against the President and COAS General Pervez Musharraf. I maintained that I have been asked as a citizen of Pakistan and not as an officer under COAS. There was no other candidate. I was open about it. Nonetheless it was traceable. In later years some officers mentioned on and off to me that it was recorded in service papers who had voted against General Pervez Musharraf. This never bothered me. I though that there was a remote possibility that the grading/opinion of the Indian spy found its way in the service papers of the officers. It was quite probable that the ‘list’ was in some good safe hands and was being used. I always assumed that I might have some good grading/opinion by the Indian spy. Many service and personal events in later years point out to the fact that there was something ‘special’ about me with in the Army. It has been mentioned in so many previous posts and I would not repeat here.

 As a child, I was intelligent, shy and sensitive. I never displayed a psychotic behaviour. Once, as a child, I developed the belief that my mother was against me. I held this belief for a very short time. I was also very imaginative and dreamy. Once I learned that the earth was round I developed this idea. I imagined that the earth was round like a coin and sky was above it like a hemisphere. One of my earliest childhood dreams was to go at the edge of the earth and touch the sky. Another dream was to become a mathematician. Yet another was to become an actor as a hero in the films. None has been fulfilled. I was very good at mathematics and physical sciences from the start. I secured the first position in my school in Matric (Class X).

 As a child, video games never interested me. While my younger brother showed a considerable interest and had to bear the wrath of our father on this. I just could not comprehend the rules. I think I have slow reflexes. I also used to have difficulty in remembering locations and directions, though I never lost. This also explains my considerable reluctance to driving. I tried to learn the driving in 2005, but found it very difficult. I think I would never drive.

The redress of grievances episode was the most stressful life event of my life. It triggered the initial onset of the disease. In it I developed delusions regarding the outcome, but did not develop serious delusions. After this I was never the same. The PMA incident was the event of my life. Most of my delusions revolved around it. Subedar Major Farman was/is a real man. He served in Pakistan Military Academy for many years before being caught as an Indian spy at Pakistan-India border. I have no doubts that my name is associated with the incident. The ‘list of officers’ recovered from him was the hallmark of my delusional thinking as discussed in these three posts; here, here and here.

 While my delusions described in this post regarding three Generals of Pakistan Army can be questioned, they are all real people. Why I developed these delusions is completely another matter. There is no doubt in my mind that there is a serious grouping in Pakistan Army. I am one victim of such grouping. What happened at my personal front is a living testimony to this fact. This was most psychotic and misunderstood episode of my life. People in Army and intelligence agencies circulated stories about my character and still spreading. The positive cannabis test is a classic example. I developed religious delusions in later part of my delusional thinking. My relapse in 2009 was primarily due to visual hallucinations and a bit hostile environment in EME College. I think the disease was in my genes.

 There is an impression in the Army, created by some people, that I somehow planned it. Nothing can be far fetched than that. People, especially in Army, know that I have some money via an SD house sale and cook stories that I planned it with the assistance of psychiatrists. I can very well speculate the motive behind all this. They wanted to create the impression that the PMA incident was also planned, in that, I may have collaborated with the Indian spy! As a matter of fact I was unwilling to seek psychiatric consultation, a symptom of disease itself. Moreover my father requested in writing that I should not be boarded out from the Army. I also requested this verbally to the concerned psychiatrist. Then, there is also another impression that I got substantial increase in pension due to the opinion of psychiatrists that the disease was attributable to service. The psychiatrists clearly recorded that the disease was not attributable to service but aggravated by service conditions. I got nominal pension increase due to this. I never requested any favours from them. Rather I have disputed their comments about Imam Mahdi and cannabis abuse.

 I have spent the prime time of my youth in struggling with schizophrenia, most disabling and unforgiving of mental disorders. It is almost 6 years since I had the first break in 2005. All of my friends are employed and enjoying good family life. I am still unmarried and jobless, though no financial worries. This depresses me sometimes. I know I have some limitations because of my illness. Despite all these odds, I am optimistic about the future. I have recovered from my relapse considerably. I am considering giving higher studies another chance. Let us hope I do it right this time. I would end this post with a favourite quotation by Sir Winston Churchill.

 “Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.”

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“I don’t know what I may appear to the world, but to myself I seem to have been only like a boy playing on the seashore and diverting myself in now and then finding a smoother pebble or prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me.”   Isaac Newton

“The principle is most important, not the detail.”   Theodore van Karman

“Mathematics is the coded language used to explain and predict the actions of the forces of nature which engineers harness for the service of mankind.”   IEE News

“Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought.”   Albert von Szent-Gyorgyi

“If atomic bombs are to be added as new weapon to the arsenals of a warring world, or to the arsenals of nations preparing for war, then the time will come when mankind will curse the names of Los Alamos and of Hiroshima. The people of the world must unite or they will perish.”   Robert Oppenheimer

“He was buried more like a robber than what he really was – an ornament of his country.”   An eyewitness on funeral of Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz

“If I hear it, I will forget it. If I see it, I will remember it. If I do it, I will understand it.”   Chinese proverb

“The purpose of computing is insight, not numbers,”   R W Hamming

“Learning without thought is labour lost; though without learning is perilous.”   Confucius

“Everything should be as simple as possible – but not simpler.”   Albert Einstein

“The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity  has its own reason for existing.”   Einstein

“The supreme guide in life is knowledge.”   Kemal Ataturk

“Engineering is the art of doing that well with one dollar which any bungler can do with two.”   A M Wellington

“The final test on any system is, does it pay?”   Fredrick W Taylor

“Everything that can be invented has been invented.”   Charles H Doell [1]

“Money is the seed of money, and the first guinea is sometimes more difficult to acquire than the second million.”   Jean Jacques Rousseau

“I understand what an equation means if I have a way of figuring out the characteristics of its solution without actually solving it.”   P A M Dirac

“Time is the greatest innovator.”   Francis Bacon

“All science is either physics or stamp collecting.”   Ernest Rutherford [2]

“To get the Nobel Prize in physics you have to do two things. Come up with an interesting thing while you are young and then stay alive long enough.”   Jack Steinberger

“One day everything will be well, that is our hope. Everything is fine today; that is our illusion.”   [3]

“It is difficult to say what is impossible, for dreams of yesterday are the hopes of today and reality of tomorrow.”   [3]

“Those who don’t stop asking silly questions become scientists.”   Leon Lederman

“It is vain to do with more what can be done with less.”   William of Occam

“Man has always found it easier to sacrifice his life than to learn multiplication table.”   W Somerset Mayham

“The aim of scientific thought are to see the general in the particular and the eternal in the transitory.”   A N Whitehead

“It is tribute to how far we have come in theoretical physics that it now takes enormous machines and a great deal of money to perform experiments whose results we can not predict.”   Stephen Hawking

“There is no such thing as applied science, only the application of pure science.”   Louis Pasteur

“Chance favours only the prepared mind.”   Louis Pasteur

“It needed but a moment to sever that head, and perhaps a century will not be long enough to produce another like it.”   Joseph Lagrange on execution of Antoine Lavoisier

“Yahya was a bluff, direct soldier of limited imagination caught up after convulsion in East Pakistan in events for which neither experience nor training prepared him. He made grievous mistakes. Yet, he performed a great service for our country.”   Henry Kissinger[4]

“Time is best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its students.”   [5]

“I know perfectly well that I myself have no special talents. It was cursity, obsession and sheer perseverance that brought me to my ideas.”   Einstein

“Physics and maths are the undercurrent of life. Why? Because physics is time and maths is explanation. And together, they are the phenomenon of the earth.”   [6]

“Subtle is the Lord, but malicious He is not.”   Einstein

“Physics is the belief that a simple and consistent description of nature is possible.”   Neils Bohr

“Unless we find the way to honest cooperation and honest dealings with Arabs, we have not learned anything on our way of two thousand years’ suffering and deserve the fate that is in store for us.”   Einstein’s letter to Chaim Weizmann

“Do not send me back to a colonized state, for I want to go back and live in an independent country.”   Maulana Muhammad Ali Johar[7]

“If you want to make peace, you don’t talk to your friends. You talk to your enemies.”   Moshe Dayan[8]

Manstein had “above all, great strength of character, standing up to his superiors, including Hitler, if he thought they were wrong.”   FM Lord Carver[8]

“Prussian Field Marshals do not mutiny.”   Erich von Manstein[8]

“A war is not lost until you consider it lost.”   Erich von Manstein[8]

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not sure about the former.”   Einstein

“Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.”   Churchill

“If you optimize everything, you will always be unhappy.”   Donald Knuth

“Success in life is a matter not so much of talent and opportunity as of concentration and perseverance.”   C W Wendte

“An equation for me has no meaning, unless it represents a thought of God.”   Srinivasa Ramanujan

“The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naïve forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.”   Thomas Szasz

“Man will become better when you show him what he is like.”   Checkhov

“Every great and deep difficulty bears in itself its own solution.”   Victor Weiskopf

“Math is really about the human mind, about how people can think effectively, and why curiosity is quite a good guide.”   William Thurston

“My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.”   Charles F Ketlering

“I would prefer to die in a foreign country if it is a free country, and if you do not give us freedom in India, you will have to give me a grave here.”   M Ali Jauhar[7]

“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”   Francois de la Rochefoucauld

“Heroes are seldom found in palaces.”   Excerpted from Unlikely Beginnings by A O Mitha

“I believe in on thing only, the power of human will.”   Joseph Stalin

“The best tragedies are conflicts between a hero and his destiny.”   Aristotle

“Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.”   Helen Keller

“We all have our time machines. Some take us back, they are called memories. Some take us forward, they are called dreams.”   Jeremy Irons

“Not the power to remember, but its very opposite, the power to forget is necessary condition for our existence.”   Sholem Ash

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 Notes

1.   Struck out because of name Charles as discussed in this post.
2.   Struck out because I considered Rutherford a bad guy.
3.   Struck out as it was recorded from a French manual. I regarded France as a bad country as discussed in this post.
4.   Struck out as opinion regarding Yahya changed from negative to positive.
5.   Struck out as it contains the word kill. I thought I would be killed due to this quotation.
6.   Struck out for no particular reason.
7.   I regarded Maulana Muhammad Ali Johar as Imam Mahdi as discussed in this post.
8.   See this post for my views on Moshe Dayan and Manstein.

 “Schizophrenics are probably the most isolated people in the world. They are also quite remarkably alike.”   Anthony Storr

 “If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. If the dead talk to you, you are a spiritualist; if you talk to dead, you are a schizophrenic.”   Thomas Szasz

 “Schizophrenia will continue to be a mystery so long as we fail to understand the forces and the organization which make for the wholeness of the personality.”   Anthony Storr

 “Without exception the experience and behaviour that gets labelled schizophrenic is a special strategy that a person invents in order to live in an unlivable situation.”   R. D. Laing

 “The difference between the maniac and the schizophrenic laugh is—mania and the world laughs with you, schizophrenia and you smile alone.”   Richard Asher

 “I think people become mentally ill when they’re somehow not too happy – not just after you’ve won the lottery you go crazy. It’s when you don’t win the lottery.”   Excerpted from a John F Nash interview

 One incident to which I gave thought a bit later was as follows. In end 2008, a team came in the College of EME to promote Fullbright Scholarship. After the lecture a female student asked a question in which she mentioned the subject Engineering Economy casually. I once scored 105 out of 100 in that subject. I draw the conclusion that the students are aware of my past history and monitoring me.

 I thought that there were good and bad people in academia too. I opted to discontinue the studies as I was not satisfied with the grade at that time. In one subject I scored 70% and even then I got minimum passing grade. It was balanced by other subject that I passed by scoring 50%, thanks to a very good instructor. My decision to withdraw was a paranoid one and may have some rationality. I had scored minimum passing GPA of 3.00. In second semester I viewed three out of four instructors against me!! I became critical of uniformed persons in the institution. I thought that some people in the Army were working closely against me. Due to extreme paranoia I was not following any subject. It was a good decision in the end.

 I thought that my SMSs and mobile phone conversation was being followed and monitored. In middle part of 2009 I intentionally sent some SMSs to confuse the trackers. To me the trackers included ISI and CIA. I thought that Americans were supporting me and ISI opposing me. One of the SMS was this one. “Three liars in uniform: Chief of Army Staff, DG ISI, DG ISPR.” Then there was another SMS in which I humorously mentioned that a terrorist was wanted. Within two months there was drone attack in which terrorist Bait-ullah Mahsood was killed. Americans were following me!! I even thought that my Google searches are being monitored via ISP.

 I thought that whole world was monitoring me and looking forward to me as an important figure. I thought that bad people wanted to kill me! I thought that they would kill me in some road accident, suicide bombing in mosque or even bank robbery! These were all paranoid thoughts. In fact a major terrorist activity took place in Lahore on the same very day, I was in a way to Lahore. This aggravated these feelings. I thought that my words and actions would have corresponding effect. I threw some of my medicines in dust bin in a hope that it will have a bad effect on Army psychiatrists later. Similarly I set on fire one book, army p-cap and class notes. I even thought of going abroad for studies. I was very angry with too many people. Despite this I made my third attempt for marriage which rightly failed.

 In later part of my relapse I became interested in movies. I visualized that Hollywood and Bollywood was also following me. I thought that the movie ‘Da Vinci Code’ was by bad people. It indirectly indicated that Da Vinci was their man. In response Mel Gibson made ‘Passion of the Christ’. I thought that the Bollywood movie ‘Ghajini’ was made over me as it depicted a psychotic man. I became a huge fan of actor Amir Khan. I thought that he knew me! In same days I bought the DVD of movie ‘Hulchul’ after listening a song from the movie, for a while. It is filmed on Kareena Kapoor and Akshay Khanna. Soon there was a call by mother of actor Saif Ali Khan, boy-friend of Kareena, for marriage. On that Kareena Kapoor replied that she was more interested in her carrier at that time. I thought that her decision was because of me!! I thought that she too knew me. Maybe Amir Khan told her about me!! I have on prophecy on Kareena in this post.

 I also gave some thoughts to Charles Darwin and his theory of evolution. I viewed Charles Darwin as an evil man and his theory as a coded message or plan for bad people. Its massage was for the bad people to sideline the good people to poverty or low level. The name Charles became a bad one for me. Another bad name was Michael as it represented an angel. I thought there were good and bad species of animals, plants, fruits and vegetables. I visualized the tussle between good and evil on global and much grander scale. I became convinced that the American landing on the moon was a hoax. There is even a documentary on the internet on that. I thought that the moon represents Muslims symbolically. The moon landings represented victory over Muslims.

 In my previous post I mentioned that I considered Pervez Hoodbhoy as prophet Hud[Eber] (PBUH). I believed that he was sent to the Maya people. I thought that the prediction of 2012 was indirectly by him. I became convinced that the world would end in Dec 22, 2012. The movie 2012 had not been released yet. In 2009, Pervez Hoodbhoy gave a talk on the topic ‘From quarks to humans’. I thought that it was in anticipation of resurrection in 2012. In May 2009 a mild earthquake occurred in Saudi Arabia. I thought it as a sign of last hour.

 During the relapse I started giving more and more thoughts to dreams. I thought that they were guidance by God. I narrated some prophecies based on my dreams in this post. During my first break in 2005, I had some delusions related to the Holy Quran. When I came out of Military Hospital, I left my copy of Holy Quran in the psychotic ward. It had a translation by Maulana Ahmad Ali Lahori. I believed that the Judgement Day would fall after I finish reading the translation. I could not finish in 2005. In 2009, I saw the same Holy Quran in my dream. I went to the psychotic ward to check if Holy Quran was still there. It was not. I bought the Holy Quran by same translater and read the translation. The Last Hour is still to occur!

 Three Dajjals/Antichrists

 Dajjal is an evil figure to appear before Judgment day directly comparable to Antichrist. According to Islamic traditions he will be one eyed. I gave it a thought when I became one eyed for two days. It happened in May 2009 when I was again having delusions. I was playing with my niece when all of a sudden I was struck in one eye with her elbow. I reported to the doctor who applied bandage on one eye. Then I started giving thoughts to this co-incidence. I picked two one eyed people from history and combined it with myself. They were Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg and Moshe Dayan. I thought that we all three were right/good people.

 The story of Col Stauffenberg is beautifully told in the Hollywood movie ‘Valkyrie’. He was a German army officer who was one of the leading members of the failed 20 July plot of 1944 to assassinate Adolf Hitler and remove the Nazi Party from power. He lost his one eye in a raid. I thought the plot this way. He was chosen because he was one eyed. If the plot was successful then he would be considered a savior. Then later on he would be labeled as Dajal by Muslims as he was one eyed and there would be another war between Christians and Muslims.

 Moshe Dayan was an Israeli military leader and politician who became a fighting symbol to the world of the new State of Israel. He lost his one eye in combat. Many Muslims viewed him as Dajjal. I thought him as a blessing in disguise for Jewish people. His role as a defense minister in Six-Day war of June 1967 contributed to Israeli success. He also played a key role in Yom Kippur War of 1973 in ending it in favorable terms for Israel.

 I had very complicated delusions with myself being one eyed for two days. I thought myself to be chosen on of some sort. I thought that I was a sign for the Muslims as I was already being tracked as a good figure. Earlier I had delusions that there are good and bad names. I thought that this incidence was pointing to name Tanvir as Dajjal. I will not explain how I came to this conclusion as it is bit complicated.

 Three …steins

 This is again to do with names. In my relapse I tried to extend the names delusion to non-Muslim names. I thought that people whose names end with ..stein are good people. I will mention bad names later. I picked three people.

 Albert Einstein is known for his theory of relativity and is world famous physicist. He remains one of my favorite scientists. Second was Field Marshal Erich von Manstein who became one of the most prominent commanders of Germany’s World War II armed forces. Third was Eric W Weinstein who is an encyclopedist. He created and maintains MathWorld and Eric Weisstein’s World of Science (ScienceWorld). He currently works for Wolfram Research, Inc.

 From Jews to Angels

 As I mentioned that in my first psychotic phase in 2005 I visualized that there were Jews among other religions. They were hiding themselves and co-operated with each other. Gradually I shunned the delusion. In my relapse in 2009, I visualized that there were battle/tussle between human beings and angels. The angels represented bad people. I thought that majority of women were angels in disguise. I thought that with time angels became jealous with humans and decided to oppose and worked against them. Moreover my thoughts regarding Jews underwent a radical change. I thought that they have suffered very much in history. I developed sympathy for them. Moshe Dayan became one of my heroes. I became an admirer of Six-Day War of 1967, even though Muslims were defeated completely.

 Return of the Prophets

 This was another main and complicated delusion of my relapse. I do not know how I developed it. Both of my grandfathers participated in World War II, though in lower capacity. I regarded the War as Armageddon. I considered my grandfather as Second Coming of Jesus (PBUH). My maternal grandfather was a tall man. All of a sudden I concluded that he was a Second Coming of Moses (PBUH). I thought that God decided to send all his prophets for second time. This time they came as leaders, scientists, writers and not as preachers. The mechanism was same as I thought for my grandfather. The real people were replaced by the Prophet at some appropriate time in their lifetime. They came mostly in 20th century. I thought that they were sent mainly to their own people.

 The list kept on growing and changing with time. I speculated the following persons as second coming of prophets. Guru Nanak, Abraham Lincoln, Vladimir Lenin, Mohandas K Gandhi, Mustafa Kemal Ataturk, Mao Zedong, Field Marshal Ayub Khan, Pervez Hoodbhoy and Mushtaq Ahmad Yusufi. This was again to do with names. I thought of Abraham Lincoln as prophet Abraham (PBUH). I regarded FM Ayub Khan as prophet Ayub[Job] (PBUH) and Mustafa Kemal Ataturk as prophet Muhammad (PBUH). I considered Lenin as Nuh[Noah] (PBUH). I thought of Pervez Hoodbhoy as prophet Hud[Eber] (PBUH) and Mushtaq Ahmed Yusufi as prophet Yusuf[Joseph] (PBUH).

The disease schizophrenia was very special to me. I thought that the God had grand designs with it and the three Abrahamic religions i.e. Judaism, Christanity and Islam. I developed this idea after reading that one of Einstein’s sons had schizophrenia. I told my father about it. His immediate response was,”Do not make me Einstein.” I thought that Einstein’s son, John F Nash and I were three special cases of schizophrenia.

Eduard Einstein was very intelligent and had musical talents. He started to study medicine to become a psychiatrist, but by the age of twenty he developed schizophrenia and institutionalized two years later for the first of several times. He died in an asylum at age 55. Then came John F Nash, whose story is beautifully depicted in award winning movie “A Beautiful Mind.” The movie is based on his mathematical genius and struggle with schizophrenia. John F Nash was given Nobel Prize in economics in 1994. After a Jew and Christian schizophrenic there came a Muslim. I thought myself to be John F Nash of Islam. I even thought that I was more famous than him because of PMA incident! All will tell that I was very intelligent!

John F Nash considered that he has a role like Islamic concept of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) as the messenger of Allah and the founder of Islam. I thought that my grandfather was Jesus Christ (PBUH), founder of Christianity. I though myself to be Beast for a while. I was falsely labeled as considering myself to be Imam Mahdi. While John F Nash’s delusions were based on news and pictures, my delusions were based in addition to the names of people. The main theme of both of us was the tussle between good and evil forces. I think we exposed the bad people with the help of our delusions!

(1)   It appears that earthquakes are on the rise. We had massive earthquake in Japan this year. My first prophecy is about it. There will be a severe earthquake in India and/or Pakistan. It may be under my own feet.

(2)   My second prophecy is about Indian actress Kareena Kapoor and is based on many dreams. She plans to tie the knot with Saif Ali Khan in 2012. My prophecy is that it will not happen. They have said that they are marrying in the year when the world is supposed to end. Let us see what happens first: their wedding, end of the world or some other eventuality. The term ‘kareena’ has become my most searched term in previous two years. The movie ‘Hulchul’ is one of my favorite. Kareena Kapoor has become my real dream-girl. I am unsure whom she will marry in this life. I think this will be my testing prediction!

(3)   This is not a prophecy in a sense. There will be a great tussle between conservative and liberal Muslims. I think it started after 9/11. In this tussle liberals would be eventual winners.

(4)   There will be a major sign of Last Hour in this decade. I think two years will be important: 2012 and 2015. I am unsure about the sign. I think I have become the most eager person awaiting the Last Hour. I feel I have been made for afterlife.

(5)   This is a difficult prophecy to make. I had at least three dreams on it. There may be a new book of revelation that will extend Holy Quran and will be called New Quran. May be it is revealed upon Jesus Christ(PBUH) in his Second Coming or Imam Mahdi. I think it may prepare the human kind for the Last Hour.

(6)   This is about afterlife. There will be wheel-less cars in the heaven. This prophecy can only be fulfilled after Judgment day.

While above prophecies are based on dreams, following predictions are based on my sixth sense.

(1)   There will be a coup attempt in Pakistan that will be foiled during the present government.

(2)    Former Pakistani President General (R) Pervez Musharraf will keep on boasting from abroad and will not dare to come to Pakistan.

(3)    American President Barak Obama will not be nominated for next term. Even if he gets nominated he will be defeated. I think the next president will be Republican.

I know there is an element of paranoia in these prophecies but i am satisfied with that. As John F Nash said that madness can be an escape.

I was officially discharged from Army in December 2006. Firstly I realized that I would not be able to do further study. I started looking for a suitable job. Employment is a major problem in Pakistan. I was unable to find a suitable job according to my qualification. I even applied for a lower level job. I had to face the additional stigma of severe mental illness.

As I discussed that I was finding it difficult to read books initially. I realized that I have to read books in any case. I picked a Calculus textbook and started reading it. I was not doing any exercises and reading it like a novel. I would rate my comprehension to be about 40%. However it gave me the required confidence. The year 2007 was spent in finding a suitable job. In early 2008 I decided that I had to do further study for a job and rehabilitation. I gave an NTS (a local GRE exam) and qualified.

I was hoping to do MS in Computer engineering. My second option was software engineering. The classes were scheduled to start in September 2008. I started reading the pre requisites. Firstly I learned the C programming language from wonderful lecture notes of my project adviser Omar Bashir. I am sharing the notes as someone may find them helpful.

1 Introduction to Computers and Programming
2 Introduction to C
3 Fundamental Data Types
4 Flow of Control
5 Functions
6 Arrays and Strings

Notes are bit outdated as you will find screenshots of Windows 3.1. Then I learned some C++ programming as well. I was doing it on my own and I was doing exercises as well. I also read about digital design and computer architecture and did Verilog programming. Thing were going smoothly. After joining the classes I read a paper on spherical trigonometry and navigational calculations in a conference. This was the high point of my recovery. You can find the paper here.

I also turned to my faith. I started offering my daily prayers, usually 3. This gave me a peace of mind. It helped in streamlining my thoughts. My father who was not a religious man per se started offering some of the day prayers. My untimely and severe disease had shaken him badly. My family, especially my parents, supported me fully in this difficult time.

I took my medicines regularly. It is difficult for me to describe the effect of medicines. I think they worked in background. It was more of self arguments and self counseling that was responsible for my recovery. I had a major relapse in 2009, mainly due to three big hallucinations. I thought that I may have the disease, even then I was special.

Schizophrenia is a terrible illness. It plays various tricks with its victims. It can be managed successfully with the help of medication and support. It is difficult to set timeframe of recovery. It may take years. There is always a hope for recovery. Never loose hope