Some Clarifications

In this post I would like to clarify some points. I started this blog in April 2010. The primary aim was to speak my heart out. I was not comfortable with some comments of the psychiatrists. I have mentioned many facts in different posts that never arose in my brief discussions with psychiatrists. Yet they were an integral part of my illness. There is so much misunderstanding on my illness in some quarters of Army, Air Force and my city. There are some stories ranging from planned board out to some sort of implication. The other aim was to counter such impressions. I do not know how much successful I have been.

 In my blog posts I have been critical of the role of Army and intelligence agencies. This has been intentional and for some valid reasons. All my stories of being bad or loose character originated from Army and widely circulated by intelligence agencies. You would hardly find anyone in my city who would raise a finger on my character. But in Army there are plenty of them. Yet these stories played a crucial part in my unusual personal episode. They were responsible for an unfortunate arrangement of her marriage for one girl. They were also partially responsible for breakage of my commitment to the other girl. They were even used as one point in my ‘redress of grievances’.

 The uniformed psychiatrists also felt the need to play their part. They recorded that I had a history of cannabis abuse. I have never smoked a cigarette even. They also recorded that I had an ‘unshakable belief’ of considering myself to be Imam Mahdi. I never had such belief. These were two plain but deliberate lies by the psychiatrists. The stories did not stop after my ouster from Pakistan Army. It was portrayed as planned or drama. I have tried to refute this impression in this post. Despite this, I think that I had the correct diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia.

 This disease has transformed my life in unimaginable ways. I have spent three years from 2005 to 2008 in quite miserable condition. However things have considerably improved over time. I have been invalidated out of service because of the disease. But there are some positive aspects also. Firstly I had great reluctance to drive a vehicle as discussed. Without learning to drive, I was doomed in Army. This also shows that I have a bit ‘different’ brain. Secondly I was having a rough patch at professional level. I did fairly well in my BE Avionics. But I performed poorly in my two basic courses. For the first course the main causes were my aptitude, occupation with Linux OS and much more occupation with my first love. I was more apt with learning few basic and unified engineering principles than memorizing too many things and details. The gears, shafts and rotors never interested me. For the second course I have a bit different story to tell. I performed very well in subsequent two courses. But they were of minor nature. Lately, in 2005, I was even struggling with my promotion exams. In a nutshell I was not very sound professionally. Moreover, for some mysterious reasons, people were even more concerned and vocal about my competency. I had pretty average service record, thanks to my row with one of my commanding officers. The invalidation out of service has proved to be a blessing in disguise.

 Then there is another thing at personal level. I used to be too dreamy about the future. The disease has pulled me down towards the earth. As a result I am much more realistic and mature. I have paid a heavy price for that. I still have some goals about the future, but they are moderate. No doubt, that I have some limitations because of the disease. The patients with paranoid type of schizophrenia have most chances of recovery. I think I have recovered considerably enough. The future is always full of surprises for me.

Pakistan Army is a good institution, but is certainly not made up of angels. During my brief service, I encountered some very good and talented individuals and some equally bad. I still wonder the motives of people within the Army in spreading rumors about me. It has affected some people and families in very unpleasant way. I think greed and jealousy are great motives. They can drive the people to any extreme. Why was there such venom against me? One plausible answer is the so called PMA incident that I clarified in this post. The recovery of list from the Indian spy was an important incident and it involved me somehow. There might be some another perspective to which I am still unaware of.

An update on PMA Incident

I started this blog in April 2010. I have come a long way since then. I have tried to be as honest as possible about myself, my past events, people around me and the disease itself. I have tried to differentiate between the delusions and real world events. I thought that my previous post would be my last one for time being. However I felt that I must clarify one point mentioned in my different posts, that I came to know recently.

 I mentioned the PMA incident in this post. I have rightly mentioned that it was event of my life as most of my delusions revolved around it, specifically the ‘list’ as discussed in these four posts: here, here, here and here. I assumed all along that SM Farman, the Indian spy, became AWOL immediately after my passing out from PMA in 1996. Some of the events in PAF Academy were partially responsible for this belief. Recently I called the course mate who first told me about it to confirm this assumption. He told me that it was not so. SM Farman was there in PMA for passing out of 96th Long Course at least. He went back to his parent unit and retired. However I have a faint memory that someone told me that he became AWOL from PMA. However I was not completely wrong. I clearly remember that he did tell me that he was caught at Pak-India border and a list of officers was recovered from him. It is my opinion that SM Farman went missing i.e. AWOL before 2000, may be from PMA and was later captured at Pak-India border. I will appreciate if anyone clarifies it exactly. I have neither the capacity nor the will to investigate further. It has played its part in my delusional thinking. I had built an empire out of small piece of information. I think it still make sense to call it a PMA incident, though it is a bit misleading. Rather it should have been called an Indian spy incident! Was I wrong in thinking that my name was associated with the incident?

 From the very outset I believed that the list had some sort of grading/opinion in it. It must have identified good and bad officers. He may have some motives behind it. I assumed that a few thousand of officers may have been graded as he served in PMA for many years. I assumed that one of his tactics to grade was by keeping the cadet out of the parade as discussed. The foremost reason for me standing out of the ceremony was the resolve of SM Farman. The secondary cause was my shyness to request the Adjutant. I clearly remember that some other staff members and my course mates requested to SM Farman that I should be given a chance to participate in rehearsals. SM Farman made the point that I would only be allowed if instructed by the Adjutant. I was too shy to request the Adjutant. I had not that bad parading standard. I passed the saluting test in my first attempt. The concerned staff never raised any doubt on my parading standard either. I joined all the passing outs at PAF Academy. It was not mere the parading standard. Any way I stood outside the ceremony. Why SM Farman singled out me remains a mystery to me till this day.

 I had a difficult experience discussing it with my course mates in 2005. I told a few of them about SM Farman and recovery of ‘list’ from him. One of the course mates later asked me whose names appear in the list. I guessed three names among the 11 course mates based on experience in the passing out whom I considered as bad. This shows that there was a feeling, on the part of that course mate at least, that I knew the incident and was aware of the contents of the ‘list’. Same officer later told me that there was a serious grouping with in the Army. He told me that one group was of good officers that advance through the ranks with their hard work and talent and the other of so called bad officers that uses unfair means and links etc. He told me that both group support among themselves. To substantiate his opinion he took a name of a representative officer from each group. Good officer was one who had to submit a ‘redress of grievances” against the grade rendered to him in a course. He was also snubbed like me. I would not identify the bad officer’s name. I was already thinking on same lines and went so much beyond that. I started thinking that this grouping was formed as a result of the ‘list’ recovered from the Indian spy. Later I thought it as efforts of my grandfather. I avoided talking to the course mate who told me about the Indian spy. I started loosing interest in my job and giving more thoughts to my previous events. My unusual personal episode was running in parallel. In later part of my delusional thinking in 2005, I reduced the good officers among my 11 course mates to 3 (including me) and mentioned these names to the one whom I considered good. I had come a long way in this journey of the ‘list’.

 As I mentioned that this incident never arose in my discussion with the psychiatrists. There was no effort on the part of psychiatrists of understanding the psychotic behavior. This was the most prominent cause. When I started this blog I asked another course mate about the incident. He confirmed to me that SM Farman was an Indian spy. I mentioned this incident to two other course mates in 2009-10. They did not show any surprise. Obviously they were aware of it. Was I the only one who was intentionally kept in dark about it till very late? Was there a feeling that I know the contents of the ‘list’ somehow? I only imagined the ’list’!

 Then there might be completely another dimension. A presidential referendum was held in Pakistan in 2002. I voted against the President and COAS General Pervez Musharraf. I maintained that I have been asked as a citizen of Pakistan and not as an officer under COAS. There was no other candidate. I was open about it. Nonetheless it was traceable. In later years some officers mentioned on and off to me that it was recorded in service papers who had voted against General Pervez Musharraf. This never bothered me. I though that there was a remote possibility that the grading/opinion of the Indian spy found its way in the service papers of the officers. It was quite probable that the ‘list’ was in some good safe hands and was being used. I always assumed that I might have some good grading/opinion by the Indian spy. Many service and personal events in later years point out to the fact that there was something ‘special’ about me with in the Army. It has been mentioned in so many previous posts and I would not repeat here.

A Self Analysis

I think this would be the last post on my illness. The main purpose of this post is to analyze myself with respect to the disease. I will also try to review my major delusions and clarify some points.

 As a child, I was intelligent, shy and sensitive. I never displayed a psychotic behaviour. Once, as a child, I developed the belief that my mother was against me. I held this belief for a very short time. I was also very imaginative and dreamy. Once I learned that the earth was round I developed this idea. I imagined that the earth was round like a coin and sky was above it like a hemisphere. One of my earliest childhood dreams was to go at the edge of the earth and touch the sky. Another dream was to become a mathematician. Yet another was to become an actor as a hero in the films. None has been fulfilled. I was very good at mathematics and physical sciences from the start. I secured the first position in my school in Matric (Class X).

 As a child, video games never interested me. While my younger brother showed a considerable interest and had to bear the wrath of our father on this. I just could not comprehend the rules. I think I have slow reflexes. I also used to have difficulty in remembering locations and directions, though I never lost. This also explains my considerable reluctance to driving. I tried to learn the driving in 2005, but found it very difficult. I think I would never drive.

The redress of grievances episode was the most stressful life event of my life. It triggered the initial onset of the disease. In it I developed delusions regarding the outcome, but did not develop serious delusions. After this I was never the same. The PMA incident was the event of my life. Most of my delusions revolved around it. Subedar Major Farman was/is a real man. He served in Pakistan Military Academy for many years before being caught as an Indian spy at Pakistan-India border. I have no doubts that my name is associated with the incident. The ‘list of officers’ recovered from him was the hallmark of my delusional thinking as discussed in these three posts; here, here and here.

 While my delusions described in this post regarding three Generals of Pakistan Army can be questioned, they are all real people. Why I developed these delusions is completely another matter. There is no doubt in my mind that there is a serious grouping in Pakistan Army. I am one victim of such grouping. What happened at my personal front is a living testimony to this fact. This was most psychotic and misunderstood episode of my life. People in Army and intelligence agencies circulated stories about my character and still spreading. The positive cannabis test is a classic example. I developed religious delusions in later part of my delusional thinking. My relapse in 2009 was primarily due to visual hallucinations and a bit hostile environment in EME College. I think the disease was in my genes.

 There is an impression in the Army, created by some people, that I somehow planned it. Nothing can be far fetched than that. People, especially in Army, know that I have some money via an SD house sale and cook stories that I planned it with the assistance of psychiatrists. I can very well speculate the motive behind all this. They wanted to create the impression that the PMA incident was also planned, in that, I may have collaborated with the Indian spy! As a matter of fact I was unwilling to seek psychiatric consultation, a symptom of disease itself. Moreover my father requested in writing that I should not be boarded out from the Army. I also requested this verbally to the concerned psychiatrist. Then, there is also another impression that I got substantial increase in pension due to the opinion of psychiatrists that the disease was attributable to service. The psychiatrists clearly recorded that the disease was not attributable to service but aggravated by service conditions. I got nominal pension increase due to this. I never requested any favours from them. Rather I have disputed their comments about Imam Mahdi and cannabis abuse.

 I have spent the prime time of my youth in struggling with schizophrenia, most disabling and unforgiving of mental disorders. It is almost 6 years since I had the first break in 2005. All of my friends are employed and enjoying good family life. I am still unmarried and jobless, though no financial worries. This depresses me sometimes. I know I have some limitations because of my illness. Despite all these odds, I am optimistic about the future. I have recovered from my relapse considerably. I am considering giving higher studies another chance. Let us hope I do it right this time. I would end this post with a favourite quotation by Sir Winston Churchill.

 “Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.”

Personal quotations collection

I started writing quotations when I was studying in College of Aeronautical Engineering. Here I will reproduce them in same order. I struck out some quotations during my delusional thinking periods. This is explained in the end.

Quotations on schizophrenia

“Schizophrenia cannot be understood without understanding despair.”   R. D. Laing

 “Schizophrenics are probably the most isolated people in the world. They are also quite remarkably alike.”   Anthony Storr

 “If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. If the dead talk to you, you are a spiritualist; if you talk to dead, you are a schizophrenic.”   Thomas Szasz

 “Schizophrenia will continue to be a mystery so long as we fail to understand the forces and the organization which make for the wholeness of the personality.”   Anthony Storr

 “Without exception the experience and behaviour that gets labelled schizophrenic is a special strategy that a person invents in order to live in an unlivable situation.”   R. D. Laing

 “The difference between the maniac and the schizophrenic laugh is—mania and the world laughs with you, schizophrenia and you smile alone.”   Richard Asher

 “I think people become mentally ill when they’re somehow not too happy – not just after you’ve won the lottery you go crazy. It’s when you don’t win the lottery.”   Excerpted from a John F Nash interview

Random Delusions

This is in continuation of my previous post. In that post I discussed my main delusions during my relapse. In this post I will narrate my other delusions and little incidents responsible for my delusional thinking. One of the most stimulating cause was visual hallucinations that I discussed in this post. I was not in denial of my disease. Rather I considered the disease to be special as discussed in this post. I did not realize that I am going through a relapse. Most of the incidents occurred in 2009.

The Relapse

As I mentioned earlier that I had the major relapse of the disease in 2009. I developed various delusions in addition to my old ones. In this post I will discuss some main delusions of my relapse.

 Three Dajjals/Antichrists

 Dajjal is an evil figure to appear before Judgment day directly comparable to Antichrist. According to Islamic traditions he will be one eyed. I gave it a thought when I became one eyed for two days. It happened in May 2009 when I was again having delusions. I was playing with my niece when all of a sudden I was struck in one eye with her elbow. I reported to the doctor who applied bandage on one eye. Then I started giving thoughts to this co-incidence. I picked two one eyed people from history and combined it with myself. They were Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg and Moshe Dayan. I thought that we all three were right/good people.

John F Nash of Islam

I had the first break of the disease in 2005. I remained admit in hospital for a year. I had the major relapse of the disease in 2009. I avoided getting admitted in hospital this time. One of the main features of this relapse was that I thought that even if I had the disease, even then I was special. I thought that I was very famous. People all over the world were following me. They were not doing it openly so that I can spend my normal life! The starting point of this relapse was first big hallucination that I narrated in this post. I thought that end of the world was very near. I attached special significance to the PMA incident. I thought that I was being tracked actively by world intelligence agencies after this incident. In this post I will discuss some aspects of my relapse.

Some Prophecies

I had a major relapse of the disease in 2009. One of the main contributing factor was visual hallucinations. The other main factor was dreams. I started seeing and giving more thoughts to the dreams. I thought as if God was giving me some guidance through dreams. I acted on dreams in some way. I even discussed this aspect with my father. His reply was, “Dreams have a meaning unless you are a prophet and I know you are not.” I assert again that I am neither a prophet nor Imam Mahdi. I still give thoughts to dreams. I have seen some dreams that turned out to be true. The dreams have become an escape for me. I thought it to be a good idea to share some prophecies based on dreams. I will not narrate the dreams; rather I will narrate the prophecies based on them.

Path to Recovery

As I discussed in previous post that I somewhat self diagnosed my disease. The initial feelings were of both hope and despair. Initially I was very disturbed. The 2006 was very depressed year for me. The initial ray of hope was the life of Nobel Prize winner John F Nash. I read his interview from the net. The thing that disturbed me was that he took about 30 years to recover. Moreover he did not do much creative work after his illness. Anyhow there was a hope. My path to recovery was rapid.